The Last Part of the Whole Story

Well, I am feeling compelled to say a little more about my own story.  For whatever reason....God only knows...really :)
I could go back 100 years and tell you every bump and bruise I got along the way, but I will spare you that story....YOU'RE WELCOME....  Instead I will tell you about some of the ones that left scars...scars that are visible, and ones not so visible....
December 11th, 2008.....I was 7 weeks pregnant with #4.  My youngest at that time was just about 18months old, and believe it or not, that was longer than we had ever waited to have the next.  But after I had my son, I just didn't feel very good....tired, grouchy, you know, all the new mommy issues.  So we waited a bit longer to get pregnant again, and we were ecstatic.  I started spotting and immediately panicked.  I called the doctor and drove there as fast as I could.  It was too late.  I sat in the office bawling, trying to figure out how I would explain to my husband.  He handled it very well...much better than I did.  I had a very hard time moving on from that loss.  It was totally foreign to me.  I was being forced to let go of all the hopes and dreams I had for this unborn child, and it was devastating to me. 
June 30th, 2009....I think I peed on about 30 sticks JUST to make sure I really was preggo....and I was :)  Check-ups were great, and the reality that the loss was just a fluke set in...thank God.  10 weeks into the pregnancy, I started spotting again.  I immediately called the doctor and got in for an ultrasound.  Everything was perfect.  I saw our little gummy bear...its little hands and feet, and its beautiful little heart just beating away.  The doc looked for any sign of trouble...and there was none.  No indication of any problems whatsoever.  I took a deep breath, and sighed a huge sigh of relief.  She gave me a few pictures of our little bundle of joy that we would soon be holding in our arms....unfortunately, much sooner than we had anticipated.  The weekend passed and the spotting had stopped.  Monday, which ironically enough was Labor Day, I started having very severe cramping.  My husband had gone to do some work that day, so I was at home by myself during all of this.  I called a good friend of mine, and she helped talk me through the pains.  Eventually, they got so bad I had to hang up the phone.  I called my husband and left a message.  I was in horrendous pain.  And then...it was over.  And I was holding my baby.  No mother should ever see what their 10 week old baby looks like...ever.  But it was perfect...everything...just beautiful.  We buried that baby on some land and this year was the first year I was able to go and visit.  And it was wonderful. 
We now had this looming question of why these babies were dying????  Remember I said earlier that after I had my son, I just didn't feel very good.  There were lots of really crazy symptoms like being extremely tired...very moody...no libido...and salt...I wanted to eat lots of salt.  The doctor and I had so many conversations about these symptoms and I just told her I didn't think the symptoms and miscarriages were coincidence.  I really felt that somehow...they were all related.  Thankfully, I have an amazing doctor, who recognized that this was a bit out of her league.  So on a whim, she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to check out some hormones.  I had some tests run, and one hormone came back funny.  A bunch of tests and a few months later a diagnosis.....Addison's Disease.  Yeah....that's what I said...huh????? 
Addison's Disease facts:  It is an autoimmune disease that affects approximately 1 in 100,000 people...which averages out to about 3000 people in the US.  And most people don't know they have it until they are dead.  It effects the adrenal glands, which produce cortisol and a plethora of other hormones.  Cortisol effects every cell in your entire body in some way, so needless to say, its a smidge important. Well, my body no longer makes it because my adrenals are over 95% gone. 
Are you still wondering why Addison's has anything to do with the babies?  Well here you go...cortisol helps your body cope with stress.  Pregnancy is a stressor on your body...therefore...no cortisol...no pregnancy.  Other symptoms of AD: fatigue, moodiness, no libido, and salt cravings.  Weird symptoms...easy answer.  Steroids for the rest of my life.  And as the endo told us...no babies.  To much risk involved, and not enough research to support. 
And yet....another blow.  Really?!?!  No more babies?  I have to end on such a sour note with this deep desire in my soul?  I eventually accepted this new reality and began to move on. 
Feb 2011....I catch word of a girl my age who has just been diagnosed with AD.  I give her MIL my number.  She calls me a few days later and we have a great conversation.  About a month later, she calls to tell me she is pregnant.  Ecstatic for her, but also inquisitive for my own purposes.  She said her endo told her to do it sooner rather than later because those of us diagnosed with such a rare autoimmune disease are at a higher risk of developing other more common autoimmunes, one being premature ovarian failure.  I made an appointment with her endo, and I too, received the green light for having another kiddo.  Well, things aren't always that easy, as we are now struggling to conceive another child.  We are only in the first few chapters of that book, so this story is unfinished.  The only thing I have at this point are the wounds and scars that remain from this adventure.  Some of them are bittersweet.....if we had never lost those babies, we would have never known about the Addison's before it was too late.  So really, they saved my life.  And I have the feelings of trying to put all this together...if you have read some of my previous posts, you may have gotten a glimpse of some of those feelings.  They have been very difficult for me to sort through and I am still sorting.  Addison's isn't a disease you diagnose and then everything is fine.  It's a daily battle and some days, I lose.  We don't have a special day or month, or a ribbon to help awareness.  It's very silent in this world of Addison's, but we cope, somehow making it through each day to the next.  And I am grateful to have another day.  What may or may not come is a mystery to me...only God knows.  And I trust that...I truly do.  I am not fond of the pain that sometimes comes along with the bumps and bruises of life, but I do know that pain gets our attention and in many ways, is the only human emotion that can bring us straight to our knees, which is where we need to be in the first and last place. 

So much time....so little to do...

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!   That thought just makes me laugh my butt off!  Well, I must take a small hiatus from my already hiatus.  Although I will probably need to post a few quaint thoughts over the next few weeks because I will tired and cranky, and tired and busy, and tired and overwhelmed, and tired and you get the point :)  I have a billion million things I think I need to say right now, but I don't think they are quite ready to come out yet....oh but they will.  So until that moment....