Most of the time I love the heat. There is something wonderfully magical about Summertime. The long days, warm nights, cool drinks, and sun-kissed skin. Everyone outside. Kids laughter coming from the slip-n-slide. Popsicles. The beautiful jingle of the ice cream truck. I love it. Every little bit.
But the heat doesn't always mean those things. I'm in the desert right now. And I'm feelin the heat.
I have left my life to God, and He has guided me to this point. And I know He is teaching, stretching, pulling my heart to make it more full. To make it grow. But in this desert heat, one can get very lonely. And frustrated. But "patience, my child" are the words I hear from Him.
So I wait. And wait. And one day is never the same as the one before, or the one to come. Some are easy and fly by, yet others are painfully long and every step seems like an hour.
I send up a million prayers a day. And I cry out to the Lord asking for something...anything.
And maybe that's what He wants. I am completely and fully His. Just yearning for Him. Totally dependent.
Even though the desert is hot and barren, there is plenty to observe while I am here. So much to learn and grasp. And I will be thankful for that.
I know eventually I will receive an answer for my prayer because God is faithful. He has shown me time and time again that He is. But for whatever reason He has chosen me to be here now...waiting in this heat.
And when it's all over, and life has moved on, I will retain the sunkissed glow of the heat. And others will see it, Him, in me. Amen.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Saturday, July 28, 2012
You CAN hear me now...but are you listening?
There is a difference between hearing and listening. And I believe this is the basis of much conflict. Being heard is important...its the actual physical act of hearing. The job your ears do...sounds waves enter the ear canal and then it follows the pathway to your brain. We hear sounds all day long. But listening....that is something completely different....entirely. When that sound enters your brain, how do we interpret it? Do we comprehend what we heard? Do we understand what we heard? I think many times just because people are capable of hearing, they believe they are actually listening. And there lies the problem. You heard me....but do you understand me?
Many, including myself have a fear of not being understood or being misunderstood. Because it is much easier to love the things we understand. It is much easier NOT to judge the things we understand. When you understand, there is no fear of the unknown....we understand it. We get it. You hear...you listen...you comprehend...you understand. Seems simple. But there are so many things that can go wrong on that short little journey. Our own wants and needs jump in the path. Our beliefs, our values, our issues, our feelings. They all serve as road blocks to reaching that seemingly simple end...understanding. And that's when conflict seems to arise. We raise our voices...as if speaking louder will help the other comprehend better. I am fairly certain that decibel level has nothing to do with comprehension. Nor do harsh words or foul language. In fact, I do feel fairly certain that the louder and cruder we become, the less understanding takes place. Now it may make us feel better! Becoming louder and meaner certainly does give us a sense of control in a situation where we feel helpless and frustrated....but I don't believe it aids the other person in gaining any amount of understanding. So what in the world do we do when we aren't listened to? Well, I have feelings, and hormones, and beliefs, and values, AND issues....so I don't know. I know how it feels to not be understood, so I take that and apply the "treat others the way you want to be treated" rule. I try and listen to everyone who has a voice. Whether I agree or not, I try to understand. It's not my place to judge. But I can't control everyone else. Just myself. So good luck....if you figure out a way to remove all the road blocks from hearing to listening...let me know. Thanks.
Many, including myself have a fear of not being understood or being misunderstood. Because it is much easier to love the things we understand. It is much easier NOT to judge the things we understand. When you understand, there is no fear of the unknown....we understand it. We get it. You hear...you listen...you comprehend...you understand. Seems simple. But there are so many things that can go wrong on that short little journey. Our own wants and needs jump in the path. Our beliefs, our values, our issues, our feelings. They all serve as road blocks to reaching that seemingly simple end...understanding. And that's when conflict seems to arise. We raise our voices...as if speaking louder will help the other comprehend better. I am fairly certain that decibel level has nothing to do with comprehension. Nor do harsh words or foul language. In fact, I do feel fairly certain that the louder and cruder we become, the less understanding takes place. Now it may make us feel better! Becoming louder and meaner certainly does give us a sense of control in a situation where we feel helpless and frustrated....but I don't believe it aids the other person in gaining any amount of understanding. So what in the world do we do when we aren't listened to? Well, I have feelings, and hormones, and beliefs, and values, AND issues....so I don't know. I know how it feels to not be understood, so I take that and apply the "treat others the way you want to be treated" rule. I try and listen to everyone who has a voice. Whether I agree or not, I try to understand. It's not my place to judge. But I can't control everyone else. Just myself. So good luck....if you figure out a way to remove all the road blocks from hearing to listening...let me know. Thanks.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Your worries will never love you....
We've all had difficult weeks. And we all know how hard it is to take that giant leap back into reality when we do. It's hard to let go of the chaos and busyness. Or the grief and the pain. Or whatever it was that caused that week to be so tough. It's hard to get back into the "swing" of things. We feel that we need just a bit more time to recover from that week.
We had a week last week....and boy did we. Death, busyness, illness....you name it...there it was. All in 7 measley days. Doesn't seem like a long time, but when you throw things like death and busyness and sickness in there....I am not actually sure if it makes time go faster....or more slowly. But what does seem to happen during weeks such as those is you find out what people are made of. You see their true colors come shining through. You see strength....you see weakness...people show up to support...and people disappear. And there are questions....many, many questions that are lingering. And they will continue to linger.....for days....for weeks....for months, I am sure.
The funny thing is, the parts of the week that should have been the hardest, were the easiest, and vice versa. I am left once again knowing that this world is not my home, and nothing on this earth can bring me any kind of lasting peace or joy. My world was shaken up...like a blender on high speed. And its so funny....I look back at some of the events that occured previous to this week...oh how I love hindsight. I really do. Things just seem to line up so well. There were things being spoken to me...wispered ever so quietly. And while I thought they pertained to a certain subject or person, that week needed to happen for me to fully understand who those words were actually meant for. Not that it makes it any easier for my human mind to deal with, it does make it understandable. I still don't know how to pick any of the pieces up and put them back in some sort of functioning order. That will take time...lots of it. And worrying...wondering about when those answers will come is just a horrible waste of time.
In the aftermath of this week, more words were spoken to me...words written through a song. But a beautiful explanation of feelings.
O My Soul by Audrey Assad
Rivers and stones and the trees of the field, they sing in the night
And a thousand tongues lay deep in your lungs to raise to the sky
don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.
Deep in your heart you feather and tar your folly and fear:
expose them for the fools they are, and the world comes clear.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.
Your worries will never love you
They'll leave you all alone
But your God will not forsake you
O my soul.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul-love your God.
Here's to a week....not sure what this week will bring, but I pray its full of blessing, and answers if He see's fit. If not, they will come...and I will rest upon that.
We had a week last week....and boy did we. Death, busyness, illness....you name it...there it was. All in 7 measley days. Doesn't seem like a long time, but when you throw things like death and busyness and sickness in there....I am not actually sure if it makes time go faster....or more slowly. But what does seem to happen during weeks such as those is you find out what people are made of. You see their true colors come shining through. You see strength....you see weakness...people show up to support...and people disappear. And there are questions....many, many questions that are lingering. And they will continue to linger.....for days....for weeks....for months, I am sure.
The funny thing is, the parts of the week that should have been the hardest, were the easiest, and vice versa. I am left once again knowing that this world is not my home, and nothing on this earth can bring me any kind of lasting peace or joy. My world was shaken up...like a blender on high speed. And its so funny....I look back at some of the events that occured previous to this week...oh how I love hindsight. I really do. Things just seem to line up so well. There were things being spoken to me...wispered ever so quietly. And while I thought they pertained to a certain subject or person, that week needed to happen for me to fully understand who those words were actually meant for. Not that it makes it any easier for my human mind to deal with, it does make it understandable. I still don't know how to pick any of the pieces up and put them back in some sort of functioning order. That will take time...lots of it. And worrying...wondering about when those answers will come is just a horrible waste of time.
In the aftermath of this week, more words were spoken to me...words written through a song. But a beautiful explanation of feelings.
O My Soul by Audrey Assad
Rivers and stones and the trees of the field, they sing in the night
And a thousand tongues lay deep in your lungs to raise to the sky
don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.
Deep in your heart you feather and tar your folly and fear:
expose them for the fools they are, and the world comes clear.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul—love your God.
Your worries will never love you
They'll leave you all alone
But your God will not forsake you
O my soul.
Don't lie to yourself, o my soul-love your God.
Here's to a week....not sure what this week will bring, but I pray its full of blessing, and answers if He see's fit. If not, they will come...and I will rest upon that.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Last Part of the Whole Story
Well, I am feeling compelled to say a little more about my own story. For whatever reason....God only knows...really :)
I could go back 100 years and tell you every bump and bruise I got along the way, but I will spare you that story....YOU'RE WELCOME.... Instead I will tell you about some of the ones that left scars...scars that are visible, and ones not so visible....
December 11th, 2008.....I was 7 weeks pregnant with #4. My youngest at that time was just about 18months old, and believe it or not, that was longer than we had ever waited to have the next. But after I had my son, I just didn't feel very good....tired, grouchy, you know, all the new mommy issues. So we waited a bit longer to get pregnant again, and we were ecstatic. I started spotting and immediately panicked. I called the doctor and drove there as fast as I could. It was too late. I sat in the office bawling, trying to figure out how I would explain to my husband. He handled it very well...much better than I did. I had a very hard time moving on from that loss. It was totally foreign to me. I was being forced to let go of all the hopes and dreams I had for this unborn child, and it was devastating to me.
June 30th, 2009....I think I peed on about 30 sticks JUST to make sure I really was preggo....and I was :) Check-ups were great, and the reality that the loss was just a fluke set in...thank God. 10 weeks into the pregnancy, I started spotting again. I immediately called the doctor and got in for an ultrasound. Everything was perfect. I saw our little gummy bear...its little hands and feet, and its beautiful little heart just beating away. The doc looked for any sign of trouble...and there was none. No indication of any problems whatsoever. I took a deep breath, and sighed a huge sigh of relief. She gave me a few pictures of our little bundle of joy that we would soon be holding in our arms....unfortunately, much sooner than we had anticipated. The weekend passed and the spotting had stopped. Monday, which ironically enough was Labor Day, I started having very severe cramping. My husband had gone to do some work that day, so I was at home by myself during all of this. I called a good friend of mine, and she helped talk me through the pains. Eventually, they got so bad I had to hang up the phone. I called my husband and left a message. I was in horrendous pain. And then...it was over. And I was holding my baby. No mother should ever see what their 10 week old baby looks like...ever. But it was perfect...everything...just beautiful. We buried that baby on some land and this year was the first year I was able to go and visit. And it was wonderful.
We now had this looming question of why these babies were dying???? Remember I said earlier that after I had my son, I just didn't feel very good. There were lots of really crazy symptoms like being extremely tired...very moody...no libido...and salt...I wanted to eat lots of salt. The doctor and I had so many conversations about these symptoms and I just told her I didn't think the symptoms and miscarriages were coincidence. I really felt that somehow...they were all related. Thankfully, I have an amazing doctor, who recognized that this was a bit out of her league. So on a whim, she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to check out some hormones. I had some tests run, and one hormone came back funny. A bunch of tests and a few months later a diagnosis.....Addison's Disease. Yeah....that's what I said...huh?????
Addison's Disease facts: It is an autoimmune disease that affects approximately 1 in 100,000 people...which averages out to about 3000 people in the US. And most people don't know they have it until they are dead. It effects the adrenal glands, which produce cortisol and a plethora of other hormones. Cortisol effects every cell in your entire body in some way, so needless to say, its a smidge important. Well, my body no longer makes it because my adrenals are over 95% gone.
Are you still wondering why Addison's has anything to do with the babies? Well here you go...cortisol helps your body cope with stress. Pregnancy is a stressor on your body...therefore...no cortisol...no pregnancy. Other symptoms of AD: fatigue, moodiness, no libido, and salt cravings. Weird symptoms...easy answer. Steroids for the rest of my life. And as the endo told us...no babies. To much risk involved, and not enough research to support.
And yet....another blow. Really?!?! No more babies? I have to end on such a sour note with this deep desire in my soul? I eventually accepted this new reality and began to move on.
Feb 2011....I catch word of a girl my age who has just been diagnosed with AD. I give her MIL my number. She calls me a few days later and we have a great conversation. About a month later, she calls to tell me she is pregnant. Ecstatic for her, but also inquisitive for my own purposes. She said her endo told her to do it sooner rather than later because those of us diagnosed with such a rare autoimmune disease are at a higher risk of developing other more common autoimmunes, one being premature ovarian failure. I made an appointment with her endo, and I too, received the green light for having another kiddo. Well, things aren't always that easy, as we are now struggling to conceive another child. We are only in the first few chapters of that book, so this story is unfinished. The only thing I have at this point are the wounds and scars that remain from this adventure. Some of them are bittersweet.....if we had never lost those babies, we would have never known about the Addison's before it was too late. So really, they saved my life. And I have the feelings of trying to put all this together...if you have read some of my previous posts, you may have gotten a glimpse of some of those feelings. They have been very difficult for me to sort through and I am still sorting. Addison's isn't a disease you diagnose and then everything is fine. It's a daily battle and some days, I lose. We don't have a special day or month, or a ribbon to help awareness. It's very silent in this world of Addison's, but we cope, somehow making it through each day to the next. And I am grateful to have another day. What may or may not come is a mystery to me...only God knows. And I trust that...I truly do. I am not fond of the pain that sometimes comes along with the bumps and bruises of life, but I do know that pain gets our attention and in many ways, is the only human emotion that can bring us straight to our knees, which is where we need to be in the first and last place.
I could go back 100 years and tell you every bump and bruise I got along the way, but I will spare you that story....YOU'RE WELCOME.... Instead I will tell you about some of the ones that left scars...scars that are visible, and ones not so visible....
December 11th, 2008.....I was 7 weeks pregnant with #4. My youngest at that time was just about 18months old, and believe it or not, that was longer than we had ever waited to have the next. But after I had my son, I just didn't feel very good....tired, grouchy, you know, all the new mommy issues. So we waited a bit longer to get pregnant again, and we were ecstatic. I started spotting and immediately panicked. I called the doctor and drove there as fast as I could. It was too late. I sat in the office bawling, trying to figure out how I would explain to my husband. He handled it very well...much better than I did. I had a very hard time moving on from that loss. It was totally foreign to me. I was being forced to let go of all the hopes and dreams I had for this unborn child, and it was devastating to me.
June 30th, 2009....I think I peed on about 30 sticks JUST to make sure I really was preggo....and I was :) Check-ups were great, and the reality that the loss was just a fluke set in...thank God. 10 weeks into the pregnancy, I started spotting again. I immediately called the doctor and got in for an ultrasound. Everything was perfect. I saw our little gummy bear...its little hands and feet, and its beautiful little heart just beating away. The doc looked for any sign of trouble...and there was none. No indication of any problems whatsoever. I took a deep breath, and sighed a huge sigh of relief. She gave me a few pictures of our little bundle of joy that we would soon be holding in our arms....unfortunately, much sooner than we had anticipated. The weekend passed and the spotting had stopped. Monday, which ironically enough was Labor Day, I started having very severe cramping. My husband had gone to do some work that day, so I was at home by myself during all of this. I called a good friend of mine, and she helped talk me through the pains. Eventually, they got so bad I had to hang up the phone. I called my husband and left a message. I was in horrendous pain. And then...it was over. And I was holding my baby. No mother should ever see what their 10 week old baby looks like...ever. But it was perfect...everything...just beautiful. We buried that baby on some land and this year was the first year I was able to go and visit. And it was wonderful.
We now had this looming question of why these babies were dying???? Remember I said earlier that after I had my son, I just didn't feel very good. There were lots of really crazy symptoms like being extremely tired...very moody...no libido...and salt...I wanted to eat lots of salt. The doctor and I had so many conversations about these symptoms and I just told her I didn't think the symptoms and miscarriages were coincidence. I really felt that somehow...they were all related. Thankfully, I have an amazing doctor, who recognized that this was a bit out of her league. So on a whim, she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to check out some hormones. I had some tests run, and one hormone came back funny. A bunch of tests and a few months later a diagnosis.....Addison's Disease. Yeah....that's what I said...huh?????
Addison's Disease facts: It is an autoimmune disease that affects approximately 1 in 100,000 people...which averages out to about 3000 people in the US. And most people don't know they have it until they are dead. It effects the adrenal glands, which produce cortisol and a plethora of other hormones. Cortisol effects every cell in your entire body in some way, so needless to say, its a smidge important. Well, my body no longer makes it because my adrenals are over 95% gone.
Are you still wondering why Addison's has anything to do with the babies? Well here you go...cortisol helps your body cope with stress. Pregnancy is a stressor on your body...therefore...no cortisol...no pregnancy. Other symptoms of AD: fatigue, moodiness, no libido, and salt cravings. Weird symptoms...easy answer. Steroids for the rest of my life. And as the endo told us...no babies. To much risk involved, and not enough research to support.
And yet....another blow. Really?!?! No more babies? I have to end on such a sour note with this deep desire in my soul? I eventually accepted this new reality and began to move on.
Feb 2011....I catch word of a girl my age who has just been diagnosed with AD. I give her MIL my number. She calls me a few days later and we have a great conversation. About a month later, she calls to tell me she is pregnant. Ecstatic for her, but also inquisitive for my own purposes. She said her endo told her to do it sooner rather than later because those of us diagnosed with such a rare autoimmune disease are at a higher risk of developing other more common autoimmunes, one being premature ovarian failure. I made an appointment with her endo, and I too, received the green light for having another kiddo. Well, things aren't always that easy, as we are now struggling to conceive another child. We are only in the first few chapters of that book, so this story is unfinished. The only thing I have at this point are the wounds and scars that remain from this adventure. Some of them are bittersweet.....if we had never lost those babies, we would have never known about the Addison's before it was too late. So really, they saved my life. And I have the feelings of trying to put all this together...if you have read some of my previous posts, you may have gotten a glimpse of some of those feelings. They have been very difficult for me to sort through and I am still sorting. Addison's isn't a disease you diagnose and then everything is fine. It's a daily battle and some days, I lose. We don't have a special day or month, or a ribbon to help awareness. It's very silent in this world of Addison's, but we cope, somehow making it through each day to the next. And I am grateful to have another day. What may or may not come is a mystery to me...only God knows. And I trust that...I truly do. I am not fond of the pain that sometimes comes along with the bumps and bruises of life, but I do know that pain gets our attention and in many ways, is the only human emotion that can bring us straight to our knees, which is where we need to be in the first and last place.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
So much time....so little to do...
YEAH RIGHT!!!!! That thought just makes me laugh my butt off! Well, I must take a small hiatus from my already hiatus. Although I will probably need to post a few quaint thoughts over the next few weeks because I will tired and cranky, and tired and busy, and tired and overwhelmed, and tired and you get the point :) I have a billion million things I think I need to say right now, but I don't think they are quite ready to come out yet....oh but they will. So until that moment....
Monday, October 24, 2011
Here's a really great huge dose of reality for ya....
Here's just a bit about me that everyone should know....I HATE WINTER!!!!!! I despise being any sort of cold...I don't like being all bundled up...I don't like bundling up my kids...and most of all...I hate when anyone I love gets sick :( It just kind of throws my world a little off. Well, since its October, and the weather has started to change..a little...someone needed to get sick. Bless her little heart, my oldest started this wonderful round. "My tummy hurts" followed by "my throat hurts" or as my 4 year old says, "my neck hurts" :) This then goes to a horrendous perpetual cough that lasts until about.....March. I don't want to be that mom that worries about every little cough/ache/pain, but I also don't want to be that mom that always say "it's just allergies" when the kid is vomiting :) So, erring on the side of caution, I caved and took them all to the doctor, knowing full well I should have just thrown $100 into the wind. Just dumb viruses. That's all....viruses. Well....let me just tell you what I think of those viruses...and why on Earth they can't just leave me alone. Oh, well. A couple doses of steroids and a few days and they will be back to normal...whatever that is. I did ask the doc point blank, "can I take them back to school?" No fevers...absolutely. Ok...now I am THAT mom. The one who took her seal-of-a-child back to school. I told everyone who would listen the doctor told me it was ok to bring her back...then the poor little thing would cough. Oh dear...that cough. It's like this horrid bark that comes from the depths of gut. Eww. Once they heard her cough, I am pretty sure they looked at me like I was a compulsive liar. Hey...the doctor said it was ok :) That's my story and I am sticking to it! And I am guaranteed this wont be the last round of the season...I can only hope. But until March, I will walk around with my armor on....Germ-X. Don't leave home without it. And I will continue to lecture my kids about not touching eyes/nose/mouth, and washing their hands before they eat anything...blah, blah, blah....
I will say this for Winter, it can put on some beautiful displays of nature. The snow and ice are so magnificent to look at. But can we just keep it at that...looking???? I don't actually want to go anywhere when I see that, I just want to stay inside....out of the wind and any danger that awaits me once I step on the porch...and that's usually where I fall. But no...the world must go on..poo. And now, wonderful Winter is nearly upon us. And we will be forced to ask the question 6 million times..."is it Spring yet?" In my opinion, that's the best part of Winter....when it's over, and Spring comes. Ahhhhhh.....(that's my long sigh of relief.) That's the only thing that gets me through every Winter...knowing that it will soon come to an end. And the new beginnings of Spring will get here, which will make way for my ultimate season...SUMMER!!!!!! I just get warm fuzzies thinking about it...laying poolside...enjoying picnics....the Fourth of July...YAY!!!!! Darn you Winter.....can't we just skip you? Oh, well...back to reality, and the viruses that loom. Along with sub-zero temps, ice storms that cause us to slide our cars into things, and (I will go ahead and be nice), the beauty and peace that comes from the appearance of freshly fallen snow. You'd think I would get used to it, it comes every year....here's to Winter....looking forward to the end of it :)
I will say this for Winter, it can put on some beautiful displays of nature. The snow and ice are so magnificent to look at. But can we just keep it at that...looking???? I don't actually want to go anywhere when I see that, I just want to stay inside....out of the wind and any danger that awaits me once I step on the porch...and that's usually where I fall. But no...the world must go on..poo. And now, wonderful Winter is nearly upon us. And we will be forced to ask the question 6 million times..."is it Spring yet?" In my opinion, that's the best part of Winter....when it's over, and Spring comes. Ahhhhhh.....(that's my long sigh of relief.) That's the only thing that gets me through every Winter...knowing that it will soon come to an end. And the new beginnings of Spring will get here, which will make way for my ultimate season...SUMMER!!!!!! I just get warm fuzzies thinking about it...laying poolside...enjoying picnics....the Fourth of July...YAY!!!!! Darn you Winter.....can't we just skip you? Oh, well...back to reality, and the viruses that loom. Along with sub-zero temps, ice storms that cause us to slide our cars into things, and (I will go ahead and be nice), the beauty and peace that comes from the appearance of freshly fallen snow. You'd think I would get used to it, it comes every year....here's to Winter....looking forward to the end of it :)
Monday, October 17, 2011
Building a mystery
I am probably doing a major blogging no-no right now, but I am using a very good friend's recent emotions to propel this blog. No, I did not ask her permission, and this is why....I have been exactly where she is. EXACTLY. And I have struggled with the same emotions, and many more because I am an extremely emotional person.
Believers know that the mere Presence of God is an amazing thing to experience. You can be in a room with a million, a hundred, or just one, and the effect is always the same. You close your eyes and suddenly you are taken to another world. The world where nothing hurts, you feel so comfortable, your heart is so full, you are sure its going to explode with joy. You are also sure nothing will ever change the way you feel in that moment. The peace is so strong, the fire in your spirit is burning so bright. Awesome...that's the only word to explain. Awesome.
What happens next, you open your eyes, only to have that moment gone. The wind of the Holy Spirit has descended upon you, and just as quickly as it came, it has blown to the next person in order for them to experience what you just have. And as you take your next step, you understand reality is back...the same reality you had before the Holy Spirit came. Only now, you don't want to go back. You want to stay....stay where it seems to be easy. And as your day goes on, you become more and more frustrated with the things of this world. And it makes you mad. REally mad. Suddenly you become so convicted for despising the very thing we love...our life. We feel guilty and sad because we don't want to be where we are. We want to be where He is.
God is such a mystery to us all. And He only allows us to know what He wants us to know. So when we receive that beautiful brush of wind caused by the Holy Spirit, we are experiencing just a touch of Heaven...and we want to stay there forever. And He knew that would be our reaction. It's not a suprise to Him that we want to be near Him. It's not a suprise that we don't want to go back to everything we love. But what would we be doing for God's kingdom if we stood there in the moment forever? He gave us that moment for a purpose. He let us experience that breath of Heaven so we can know what it feels like to be by His side. And then He sent us out into the world. To be a light shining so fresh and bright to all...
However, it takes us just a bit to get over ourselves. To get over the selfishness of wanting to be there with Him...and not to discount the LOVE we have for our family and friends. We don't want to be away from them at all. We just want to be with Him and with them. In other words, we want to have our cake and eat it too. It just seemed so much easier in that moment. But the truth is that we can have both. If we choose to live our lives for the kingdom of Heaven....doing all the good we can for all the people we can, that is having your cake and eating it too. We don't have the capacity to do it ourselves, so we must rely on our source of strength, our rock to get us there. And that is living in the presence of God. Giving a stranger directions to somewhere, putting a check in the offering plate, helping with a Sunday School class, taking care of our families(yes, I went there), they are all things that our flesh does not want us to accomplish. And so by the grace of God, He has helped get us there.
As for that encounter with the Holy Spirit, I am thankful for each one that I have had, and will have. They are amazing....breath taking...Godly. But they're purpose is for so much more than making us feel good. It's like recharging our batteries, only we don't know it. And sorting out the feelings that come out when we are touched like that is so difficult...it truly is a mystery, which makes is somewhat frustrating. But we become thankful we had that moment, and we get ready to face this world. Because someday, we will feel that again, and then, we will never have to leave.
Believers know that the mere Presence of God is an amazing thing to experience. You can be in a room with a million, a hundred, or just one, and the effect is always the same. You close your eyes and suddenly you are taken to another world. The world where nothing hurts, you feel so comfortable, your heart is so full, you are sure its going to explode with joy. You are also sure nothing will ever change the way you feel in that moment. The peace is so strong, the fire in your spirit is burning so bright. Awesome...that's the only word to explain. Awesome.
What happens next, you open your eyes, only to have that moment gone. The wind of the Holy Spirit has descended upon you, and just as quickly as it came, it has blown to the next person in order for them to experience what you just have. And as you take your next step, you understand reality is back...the same reality you had before the Holy Spirit came. Only now, you don't want to go back. You want to stay....stay where it seems to be easy. And as your day goes on, you become more and more frustrated with the things of this world. And it makes you mad. REally mad. Suddenly you become so convicted for despising the very thing we love...our life. We feel guilty and sad because we don't want to be where we are. We want to be where He is.
God is such a mystery to us all. And He only allows us to know what He wants us to know. So when we receive that beautiful brush of wind caused by the Holy Spirit, we are experiencing just a touch of Heaven...and we want to stay there forever. And He knew that would be our reaction. It's not a suprise to Him that we want to be near Him. It's not a suprise that we don't want to go back to everything we love. But what would we be doing for God's kingdom if we stood there in the moment forever? He gave us that moment for a purpose. He let us experience that breath of Heaven so we can know what it feels like to be by His side. And then He sent us out into the world. To be a light shining so fresh and bright to all...
However, it takes us just a bit to get over ourselves. To get over the selfishness of wanting to be there with Him...and not to discount the LOVE we have for our family and friends. We don't want to be away from them at all. We just want to be with Him and with them. In other words, we want to have our cake and eat it too. It just seemed so much easier in that moment. But the truth is that we can have both. If we choose to live our lives for the kingdom of Heaven....doing all the good we can for all the people we can, that is having your cake and eating it too. We don't have the capacity to do it ourselves, so we must rely on our source of strength, our rock to get us there. And that is living in the presence of God. Giving a stranger directions to somewhere, putting a check in the offering plate, helping with a Sunday School class, taking care of our families(yes, I went there), they are all things that our flesh does not want us to accomplish. And so by the grace of God, He has helped get us there.
As for that encounter with the Holy Spirit, I am thankful for each one that I have had, and will have. They are amazing....breath taking...Godly. But they're purpose is for so much more than making us feel good. It's like recharging our batteries, only we don't know it. And sorting out the feelings that come out when we are touched like that is so difficult...it truly is a mystery, which makes is somewhat frustrating. But we become thankful we had that moment, and we get ready to face this world. Because someday, we will feel that again, and then, we will never have to leave.
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