The Last Part of the Whole Story

Well, I am feeling compelled to say a little more about my own story.  For whatever reason....God only knows...really :)
I could go back 100 years and tell you every bump and bruise I got along the way, but I will spare you that story....YOU'RE WELCOME....  Instead I will tell you about some of the ones that left scars...scars that are visible, and ones not so visible....
December 11th, 2008.....I was 7 weeks pregnant with #4.  My youngest at that time was just about 18months old, and believe it or not, that was longer than we had ever waited to have the next.  But after I had my son, I just didn't feel very good....tired, grouchy, you know, all the new mommy issues.  So we waited a bit longer to get pregnant again, and we were ecstatic.  I started spotting and immediately panicked.  I called the doctor and drove there as fast as I could.  It was too late.  I sat in the office bawling, trying to figure out how I would explain to my husband.  He handled it very well...much better than I did.  I had a very hard time moving on from that loss.  It was totally foreign to me.  I was being forced to let go of all the hopes and dreams I had for this unborn child, and it was devastating to me. 
June 30th, 2009....I think I peed on about 30 sticks JUST to make sure I really was preggo....and I was :)  Check-ups were great, and the reality that the loss was just a fluke set in...thank God.  10 weeks into the pregnancy, I started spotting again.  I immediately called the doctor and got in for an ultrasound.  Everything was perfect.  I saw our little gummy bear...its little hands and feet, and its beautiful little heart just beating away.  The doc looked for any sign of trouble...and there was none.  No indication of any problems whatsoever.  I took a deep breath, and sighed a huge sigh of relief.  She gave me a few pictures of our little bundle of joy that we would soon be holding in our arms....unfortunately, much sooner than we had anticipated.  The weekend passed and the spotting had stopped.  Monday, which ironically enough was Labor Day, I started having very severe cramping.  My husband had gone to do some work that day, so I was at home by myself during all of this.  I called a good friend of mine, and she helped talk me through the pains.  Eventually, they got so bad I had to hang up the phone.  I called my husband and left a message.  I was in horrendous pain.  And then...it was over.  And I was holding my baby.  No mother should ever see what their 10 week old baby looks like...ever.  But it was perfect...everything...just beautiful.  We buried that baby on some land and this year was the first year I was able to go and visit.  And it was wonderful. 
We now had this looming question of why these babies were dying????  Remember I said earlier that after I had my son, I just didn't feel very good.  There were lots of really crazy symptoms like being extremely tired...very moody...no libido...and salt...I wanted to eat lots of salt.  The doctor and I had so many conversations about these symptoms and I just told her I didn't think the symptoms and miscarriages were coincidence.  I really felt that somehow...they were all related.  Thankfully, I have an amazing doctor, who recognized that this was a bit out of her league.  So on a whim, she decided to send me to an endocrinologist to check out some hormones.  I had some tests run, and one hormone came back funny.  A bunch of tests and a few months later a diagnosis.....Addison's Disease.  Yeah....that's what I said...huh????? 
Addison's Disease facts:  It is an autoimmune disease that affects approximately 1 in 100,000 people...which averages out to about 3000 people in the US.  And most people don't know they have it until they are dead.  It effects the adrenal glands, which produce cortisol and a plethora of other hormones.  Cortisol effects every cell in your entire body in some way, so needless to say, its a smidge important. Well, my body no longer makes it because my adrenals are over 95% gone. 
Are you still wondering why Addison's has anything to do with the babies?  Well here you go...cortisol helps your body cope with stress.  Pregnancy is a stressor on your body...therefore...no cortisol...no pregnancy.  Other symptoms of AD: fatigue, moodiness, no libido, and salt cravings.  Weird symptoms...easy answer.  Steroids for the rest of my life.  And as the endo told us...no babies.  To much risk involved, and not enough research to support. 
And yet....another blow.  Really?!?!  No more babies?  I have to end on such a sour note with this deep desire in my soul?  I eventually accepted this new reality and began to move on. 
Feb 2011....I catch word of a girl my age who has just been diagnosed with AD.  I give her MIL my number.  She calls me a few days later and we have a great conversation.  About a month later, she calls to tell me she is pregnant.  Ecstatic for her, but also inquisitive for my own purposes.  She said her endo told her to do it sooner rather than later because those of us diagnosed with such a rare autoimmune disease are at a higher risk of developing other more common autoimmunes, one being premature ovarian failure.  I made an appointment with her endo, and I too, received the green light for having another kiddo.  Well, things aren't always that easy, as we are now struggling to conceive another child.  We are only in the first few chapters of that book, so this story is unfinished.  The only thing I have at this point are the wounds and scars that remain from this adventure.  Some of them are bittersweet.....if we had never lost those babies, we would have never known about the Addison's before it was too late.  So really, they saved my life.  And I have the feelings of trying to put all this together...if you have read some of my previous posts, you may have gotten a glimpse of some of those feelings.  They have been very difficult for me to sort through and I am still sorting.  Addison's isn't a disease you diagnose and then everything is fine.  It's a daily battle and some days, I lose.  We don't have a special day or month, or a ribbon to help awareness.  It's very silent in this world of Addison's, but we cope, somehow making it through each day to the next.  And I am grateful to have another day.  What may or may not come is a mystery to me...only God knows.  And I trust that...I truly do.  I am not fond of the pain that sometimes comes along with the bumps and bruises of life, but I do know that pain gets our attention and in many ways, is the only human emotion that can bring us straight to our knees, which is where we need to be in the first and last place. 

So much time....so little to do...

YEAH RIGHT!!!!!   That thought just makes me laugh my butt off!  Well, I must take a small hiatus from my already hiatus.  Although I will probably need to post a few quaint thoughts over the next few weeks because I will tired and cranky, and tired and busy, and tired and overwhelmed, and tired and you get the point :)  I have a billion million things I think I need to say right now, but I don't think they are quite ready to come out yet....oh but they will.  So until that moment....

Here's a really great huge dose of reality for ya....

Here's just a bit about me that everyone should know....I HATE WINTER!!!!!!  I despise being any sort of cold...I don't like being all bundled up...I don't like bundling up my kids...and most of all...I hate when anyone I love gets sick :(  It just kind of throws my world a little off.  Well, since its October, and the weather has started to change..a little...someone needed to get sick.  Bless her little heart, my oldest started this wonderful round. "My tummy hurts" followed by "my throat hurts" or as my 4 year old says, "my neck hurts" :)   This then goes to a horrendous perpetual cough that lasts until about.....March.  I don't want to be that mom that worries about every little cough/ache/pain, but I also don't want to be that mom that always say "it's just allergies" when the kid is vomiting :)  So, erring on the side of caution, I caved and took them all to the doctor, knowing full well I should have just thrown $100 into the wind.  Just dumb viruses.  That's all....viruses.  Well....let me just tell you what I think of those viruses...and why on Earth they can't just leave me alone.  Oh, well.  A couple doses of steroids and a few days and they will be back to normal...whatever that is.  I did ask the doc point blank, "can I take them back to school?"  No fevers...absolutely.  Ok...now I am THAT mom.  The one who took her seal-of-a-child back to school.  I told everyone who would listen the doctor told me it was ok to bring her back...then the poor little thing would cough.  Oh dear...that cough.  It's like this horrid bark that comes from the depths of gut.  Eww.  Once they heard her cough, I am pretty sure they looked at me like I was a compulsive liar.  Hey...the doctor said it was ok :)  That's my story and I am sticking to it!  And I am guaranteed this wont be the last round of the season...I can only hope.  But until March, I will walk around with my armor on....Germ-X.  Don't leave home without it.  And I will continue to lecture my kids about not touching eyes/nose/mouth, and washing their hands before they eat anything...blah, blah, blah....
I will say this for Winter,  it can put on some beautiful displays of nature.  The snow and ice are so magnificent to look at.  But can we just keep it at that...looking????  I don't actually want to go anywhere when I see that, I just want to stay inside....out of the wind and any danger that awaits me once I step on the porch...and that's usually where I fall.  But no...the world must go on..poo.  And now, wonderful Winter is nearly upon us.  And we will be forced to ask the question 6 million times..."is it Spring yet?"  In my opinion, that's the best part of Winter....when it's over, and Spring comes.  Ahhhhhh.....(that's my long sigh of relief.)  That's the only thing that gets me through every Winter...knowing that it will soon come to an end.  And the new beginnings of Spring will get here, which will make way for my ultimate season...SUMMER!!!!!!  I just get warm fuzzies thinking about it...laying poolside...enjoying picnics....the Fourth of July...YAY!!!!!  Darn you Winter.....can't we just skip you?  Oh, well...back to reality, and the viruses that loom.  Along with sub-zero temps, ice storms that cause us to slide our cars into things, and (I will go ahead and be nice), the beauty and peace that comes from the appearance of freshly fallen snow.  You'd think I would get used to it, it comes every year....here's to Winter....looking forward to the end of it :)

Building a mystery

I am probably doing a major blogging no-no right now, but I am using a very good friend's recent emotions to propel this blog.  No, I did not ask her permission, and this is why....I have been exactly where she is.  EXACTLY.  And I have struggled with the same emotions, and many more because I am an extremely emotional person. 
Believers know that the mere Presence of God is an amazing thing to experience.  You can be in a room with a million, a hundred, or just one, and the effect is always the same.  You close your eyes and suddenly you are taken to another world.  The world where nothing hurts, you feel so comfortable, your heart is so full, you are sure its going to explode with joy.  You are also sure nothing will ever change the way you feel in that moment.  The peace is so strong, the fire in your spirit is burning so bright.  Awesome...that's the only word to explain.  Awesome. 
What happens next, you open your eyes, only to have that moment gone.  The wind of the Holy Spirit has descended upon you, and just as quickly as it came, it has blown to the next person in order for them to experience what you just have.  And as you take your next step, you understand reality is back...the same reality you had before the Holy Spirit came.  Only now, you don't want to go back.  You want to stay....stay where it seems to be easy.  And as your day goes on, you become more and more frustrated with the things of this world.  And it makes you mad.  REally mad.  Suddenly you become so convicted for despising the very thing we love...our life.  We feel guilty and sad because we don't want to be where we are.  We want to be where He is. 
God is such a mystery to us all.  And He only allows us to know what He wants us to know.  So when we receive that beautiful brush of wind caused by the Holy Spirit, we are experiencing just a touch of Heaven...and we want to stay there forever.  And He knew that would be our reaction.  It's not a suprise to Him that we want to be near Him.  It's not a suprise that we don't want to go back to everything we love.  But what would we be doing for God's kingdom if we stood there in the moment forever?  He gave us that moment for a purpose.  He let us experience that breath of Heaven so we can know what it feels like to be by His side.  And then He sent us out into the world.  To be a light shining so fresh and bright to all...
However, it takes us just a bit to get over ourselves.  To get over the selfishness of wanting to be there with Him...and not to discount the LOVE we have for our family and friends.  We don't want to be away from them at all.  We just want to be with Him and with them.  In other words, we want to have our cake and eat it too.  It just seemed so much easier in that moment.  But the truth is that we can have both.  If we choose to live our lives for the kingdom of Heaven....doing all the good we can for all the people we can, that is having your cake and eating it too.  We don't have the capacity to do it ourselves, so we must rely on our source of strength, our rock to get us there.  And that is living in the presence of God.  Giving a stranger directions to somewhere, putting a check in the offering plate, helping with a Sunday School class, taking care of our families(yes, I went there), they are all things that our flesh does not want us to accomplish.  And so by the grace of God, He has helped get us there. 
As for that encounter with the Holy Spirit, I am thankful for each one that I have had, and will have.  They are amazing....breath taking...Godly.  But they're purpose is for so much more than making us feel good.  It's like recharging our batteries, only we don't know it.  And sorting out the feelings that come out when we are touched like that is so difficult...it truly is a mystery, which makes is somewhat frustrating.  But we become thankful we had that moment, and we get ready to face this world.  Because someday, we will feel that again, and then, we will never have to leave.

Truth is.....

Ok...so...

Truth is....I AM TOTALLY FREAKED OUT BY THIS BLOG THINGY....

I look around at everyone else's totally awesome, pumped up, whacked out, cracked out, glitzy, glamorous and amazing blogs, and I get not just a smidge self-conscience, but down right embarrassed. It's like a whole other universe, and obviously I am the alien. You go to one blog, and you see amazing recipes and these fantastic craft ideas....what????? Who has time for crafts????? Then you click on a link from that blog and you get to one that has these incredibly pictures...and art! Lots of it! You just get these warm and fuzzy feelings from the mere layout of these blogs....and please.....DON'T GET ME WRONG!!!!

Truth is......I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU......

I just sit and stare in amazement. Actually you could probably call it more of a stalker-type obsession. They are so beautiful...so perfectly planned out. I read them and the words speak to me so strongly. I laugh with them, I cry with them. I empathize and understand. I want to call them and tell them all of my feelings about what they just wrote.

Truth is.....I FEEL LIKE THEIR BEST FRIEND....

Now before you go thinking I am some crazy creeper person who needs to get a life, please know that I have one. An extremely busy one at that. I don't spend every waking hour at the computer gawking at the blog community. I am just in awe of the creativity of others. Back to that crazy busy life of my own....

Truth is.....I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY LIFE....

I have a this husband, whom I met and married almost 10 years ago...I will reveal the story of our 4 and a half month engagement later :).....who is truly the love of my life. Through thick and thin, sickness and health, he is wonderful. And from this beautiful love, came these wonderful children...5 of them to be exact. Except only 3 of them live in our house. We have 2 precious little angel babies dancing in Heaven. They are dancing because they know they saved their mommy's life. More on that later too....The 3 that we care for, however, keep me plenty busy! At ages 7, 5, and 4, I often sit back and wonder how all three of those miraculous little beings came from the same gene pool. Oh, they look alike, but their BIG personalities couldn't be more different. I have the teacher-type...I say teacher-type because it just sounds nicer than Miss Bossy-Pants. You get the idea....And my middle child...she lives in a world that the creature from Horton hears a who describes perfectly "...where everyone is a pony, and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies..." And then there's the boy...THE BOY....yep...that describes him. But somehow he manages to melt my heart with every move he makes.

Truth is.....THEY ARE THE ONES WHO INSPIRE ME....

My family is the reason I get out of bed every morning...and that is not an easy thing for me to do. I giggle at the things they say and do. I cry because they frustrate me at times. They keep me busy and give me a reason to relax all at the same time. They keep me on my toes and that's good because I

 have a tendency to get complacent. Everyday is different because of them. And it's wonderful.

Truth is....I AM AMAZINGLY BLESSED BEYOND WORDS...

God is my rock, and although my world has been shaken more than enough times in my opinion, He has never failed. Ever. When I take a 3rd person perspective of my life, I am jealous :) And living this life, I am thankful. Oh so very thankful.....From the desires of my heart to the husband I have to the children we were given...and taken away...to the job I love to the friends who keep me sane...I am thankful.

Truth is.....BLOGGING IS PROBABLY NOT MY CALLING IN LIFE....

I probably will never reach fame because of this blog, but I am gonna do it anyway. And while my layout might not bring warm fuzzies to all who look at it, it's mine, and it's inspired by the ones I love, and the one's who love me. That's why it's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. And why when I look at other's blogs I am amazed...theirs too are inspired by the ones they love, and the one's who love them...they draw their fabulous creativity from their days filled with belly laughs and scraped-knee tears. Grilled cheese lunches, and chicken noodle dinners. The tuck me in one more time and leave the hall light on goodnights. And....

Truth is.....THAT IS BEAUTIFUL....

And that's why I love hindsight....

Ever feel like you just can't catch a freakin break? Yeah....I'm there.... Call it feeling sorry for yourself...call it a pity party...call it whatever you want to, but I am there. Count your blessings...yeah I know that too. And I do...every single day! I have heard that saying, "what if you only had today the things you thanked God for yesterday?" It's a great reminder. But then there are those days when a blessing is sitting at your feet, just waiting for you, and you reach down to pick it up, and its gone. I saw it, I even thanked God for it, but then without warning or rationale its gone. Then I am left to pick up the pieces and figure out where to go and what to learn from it all. And that is why I love hindsight. Its always so easy to see things after the fact. It all looks so clear and everything just falls into place. It makes perfect sense. Where the heck is the fast forward button? I need to be there....NOW.

The Yellow Brick Wall

I have been looking for that Yellow Brick Wall...I haven't slammed into lately!  Well...I found it this morning.  Yay!!!  Feels so much like home...the wonderful feeling of my face smashing into it...that gut wrenching stomach pain...oh how I have missed it!  What brought that on today????  Well  I was basically asked by my family to solve all the worlds problems before 9am!  Yeah..I don't function well before then...A....and B...one particular family member seemed to push me into rather than lead me to that wall.  Oh well...at least it feels like home.  I think I will just sit next to the wall for awhile before I get up this time...I will probably end up getting slammed into again fairly soon anyway :) 
What I am discovering, however, is that if I turn this wall into Jesus...which I already know I should do, its just much harder in action than words...life is grand.  When my problems are chasing me down, instead of slamming into that wall at 90mph, look up and what do you know...JESUS!  Ahhhhhhh...that doesn't hurt nearly as much as brick, and I don't ruin my clothes with yellow paint.  Seems win-win to me...so why is it so freakin hard??????  Is it because I don't really trust that He will work everything out for my good???  Did He not promise me plans for a future and a hope?(Jer29:11)  I know He loves me immensely, so why not just hand it all over?  I don't know...I really don't.  What can I say?  I am a work in progress, and while I'm not where I should be...THANK GOD I'm not where I used to be :)

lessons learned from a kitten

We...well I shouldn't say "we"....my daughter received a kitten last friday. It was a gift from her nana after a dance recital. Now before you think ill thoughts of the nana, it was a planned adventure :) Nana's cat had kittens and my daughter Camdyn has been begging for one for at least 2 years. We caved.....besides....she is seriously cute! I do realize that she will grow to be a cat soon and the wonderful kitteness will wear off. And actually, I am perfectly fine with that. You see, for the short week she has been here, I have learned many things from Princess Puffy Pants(thats the kitten's nickname...her real name is Lucy...ask my daughter....I have no idea...). So kittens, and cats, really have it figured out. Here's why: first of all, they don't care what you think! They walk where they want, lay where they want, sit where they want, and play where they want. All without giving a second thought to who thinks they belong there. Peopel get sooooo offened by everything these days, and Lucy justs lives out her days unconcerned with whom she may be offending. Marvelous. Second, kittens always land on their feet. I have watched miss puffy pants roll upside and sideways right off the edge of the couch unknowingly, and she stills ends up on all fours! Simply amazing...and sometimes I think she falls off stuff on purpose just because she knows it will be okay. Oh....if only we could have that faith! It always DOES end up okay....what are we soooo afraid of?????? Third....its okay to bite the hand....or foot or face or arm or leg of the person that feeds you. It keeps them on there toes. As many kittens do, Lucy will hide under the couch, only to attack the feet of her unsuspecting victim as they walk by to get a drink fromthe kitchen. I have learned to be more aware of my surroundings...ummmmm....much more aware. Especially at 3am on my way to the bathroom :/ And that leads me to the fourth lesson, its okay to play rough....as long as you're cute doing it. Sometimes people need truth, and it can be rough. We just need to make sure we do it in the appropriate ways. No judgement, no lectures...just truth. Fifth, take alot of naps. This world moves way too fast anyway....so just plop yourself down, completely sprawl out, and close your eyes. Take that minute...or hour just for yourself. It will truly make you feel fabulous...according to miss puffy pants :) Number six, cats love to purr for whoever pets them. Love your neighbor as yourself....Jesus says. :) and last but not least, lucky number seven. This is probably the most important lesson of all....if you hear the pitter patter of giant feet closing in on you....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!! And hide far enough under something that chubby little arms cannot reach you!!! Its Camdyn, and she is going "fee-fi-fo-fum" and she wants to love you to Death! I mean really, you can only take so much in one day! There really isn't a "people" lesson in that, I just think it is truly imperative for Lucy's survival :) All in all, Pricess Puffy Pants has been a fabulous addition to our family. She is good company when my hubby isn't home and the kids are sleeping. It's amazing some of the conversations I have with her....although she only responds one of two ways, by attacking my feet from under a blanket, or giving me those sleepy kitty eyes. Thanks Lucy.....at least she purred :) when it's all said and done, I am sure I will learn many more lessons from this kitten, soon to be cat. Hopefully, they will be lessons that help me shine on the days I dont feel so sparkly. The end :)